I am writing this entry just to remind myself. I start my goal today. 1:03AM EST Sunday, December 02, 2007.

The year is coming to an end and now that nothing eventful is going on at the moment, for the first time in a long while, I'm starting to feel lonely again. Yeah its kinda how I go; lust for a boy who will never think twice aboutme, and then being all self-pity because i dont get to be with him. And then i realize how lonely I and and howno one has ever loved me back. But in the end i suppose, I get over it and looking back on the things I feel like my existence is such a waste of time. I mean, I never do anything worthwhile. All i do is mull, waste time at school which shows in my crappy marks, and then come home to watch televsion or go on msn. When I'm outside, we walk around aimlessly for hours on end and again go home to the same routine. When I'm talking with friends, all i can seem to come up with is gossiping or boys or how to best diet.

Why am I like this? Why can’t I be more interesting? Why can’t I be the bubbly personality that everyone falls in love with after the first encounter?

I’m nothing. I am not good at school. I am not good looking nor do I have a good figure. I am not the nicest person on earth and I certainly am not a great friend. I am close to no one. I am selfish, I really am. All I care about is what’s best for me and how to get all the benefit. I take twice as much as I give.

I now know why no guys like me. I like them for their appearance or their status. I am so superficial. They are not stupid. They can see through me. When people talk to me for the first time they may be hooked. I can tell them anything and everything they would want to know about someone. I tell interesting stories about my life. But what happens when I’m done? After talking to me a few more times they’ll soon realize that I’m nothing but a shell. I’m like a book with an interesting blurb but once you get past the first chapter, you’ll see the holes where the worm has chewed through.

It’s funny how I sometimes think of myself. I have never told anyone this but sometimes I think I’m quite top shit. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with me. Never have a felt so foolish before. I am nothing. Nobody notices my existence. I come in handy when everyone has love problems which need sorting. I absorb every word they say and remark on each case as if it were mine. I can say ’m good at that. It looks like a trait. But if you think past that, I am only skilled at it because I have no life of my own. I live other people’s lives and I have been for a long time.

My “friends” after reading this may come up to me and say, ‘hey! We don’t think of you like this! You’re really nice/pretty/whatever blahblahblah’ but I know that they are only saying that because they feel it their duty to.

When James Kenta Mackay passed away recently, the first thing I felt when I heard was that why wasn’t it me? Kenta had a life to live, friends to love and to be loved and he had goals to achieve. What do I have? I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. I don’t have aspirations. I don’t have talent. I don’t have anything to live for. What is the point for my survival?

I am really sorry for my parents. I am the worst child a parent could hope for. I will amount to nothing. If I died, I would be glad anyone even turns up to my funeral. I have never created or achieved something in my life I can be proud of. I have never gotten first in the grade. I have never painted a beautiful picture. I have never loved.

But I don’t blame anyone. Who could love me?

I have decided that once and for all I am going to step up my game. Look forward to meeting me in 2008 because I WILL change. I promise you I will change. I am going to untangle any loose ends in my relationships, tie them up and if I am to get together with someone then it will definitely be before Valentines Day 08. After the 15^th I am going to completely forget about guys and focus on my studies and how to be a better person. I am going to confirm my friendships and only allow the closest in my life. Year 11 is not a year for me to waste time on bitches that are worse than me and have nothing to do than pick out of my already holey life.

I will get a job and work hard and save hard. I am going to save up for a nice treat at the end of the year. Next year I will be a whole new person. Next year I vow to come first in the class for one of my subjects. I am going to study and be a geek despite what people may say. Who cares about me anyway? Exactly.

So here is to the new Angela Lee. She will be born again. Better keep a watchful eye out cos 2008, here I come.