hand me a bandaid

i havent blogged in over a year .
but i realllllllyy need to rant or im going to implode with anger

fmylife .. like seriously.
does it just happen to me or what?
why do some people seem to make my life so terrible even when they arent doing anything wrong.
no .. actually ..its cos they DONT do anything ..
i hate you . i like you . i dont even fucking know what im suppose to feel anymore
why cant it heal ? why do you make it so difficult for me to approach?

if it werent for what used to be , i would have patched things up with you like i would with any other person.
but u not like anyone else .. ur .. different , special in a sense .

you make me weak . you make me vulnerable and emotional . you make me fucking frustrated and incompetant of expressing myself .
i dont like it , althought its not alien to me anymore .

please , i beg of you , please , fix this broken thing we call friendship .

talk to me and it will all get better .

i miss us so much.

我在干嘛? 快過一年了.. 我還在傻傻滾滾的過日子…

 天啊.. 差不多year 12了. 可是我根本就不知道我自己要什麽..

往年我寫的Blog 之中的目標全部都沒達到.. 我讀了以後快要風了.. 我今年在想什麽啊? 做了什麽嗎?

這一年我浪費了很多時間在某一位身上..雖然我說過不會再做這重無聊的事.. 但是我還以爲如果我努力, 他會感受到我的心..

我真的很煩.. 是他有問題? 不夠敏感? 還是我的錯? 我是不是太過主動呢?

不過我想了很久確定不會再這樣了..

年考完了.. 希望數學會考的Okay 啦. 其他的我想一定零分 ):

我累得要命..我的眼哭道紅紅的..我只是想有一件事in my life可以順利..

心疼得我　..　晚安

I am writing this entry just to remind myself. I start my goal today. 1:03AM EST Sunday, December 02, 2007.

The year is coming to an end and now that nothing eventful is going on at the moment, for the first time in a long while, I'm starting to feel lonely again. Yeah its kinda how I go; lust for a boy who will never think twice aboutme, and then being all self-pity because i dont get to be with him. And then i realize how lonely I and and howno one has ever loved me back. But in the end i suppose, I get over it and looking back on the things I feel like my existence is such a waste of time. I mean, I never do anything worthwhile. All i do is mull, waste time at school which shows in my crappy marks, and then come home to watch televsion or go on msn. When I'm outside, we walk around aimlessly for hours on end and again go home to the same routine. When I'm talking with friends, all i can seem to come up with is gossiping or boys or how to best diet.

Why am I like this? Why can’t I be more interesting? Why can’t I be the bubbly personality that everyone falls in love with after the first encounter?

I’m nothing. I am not good at school. I am not good looking nor do I have a good figure. I am not the nicest person on earth and I certainly am not a great friend. I am close to no one. I am selfish, I really am. All I care about is what’s best for me and how to get all the benefit. I take twice as much as I give.

I now know why no guys like me. I like them for their appearance or their status. I am so superficial. They are not stupid. They can see through me. When people talk to me for the first time they may be hooked. I can tell them anything and everything they would want to know about someone. I tell interesting stories about my life. But what happens when I’m done? After talking to me a few more times they’ll soon realize that I’m nothing but a shell. I’m like a book with an interesting blurb but once you get past the first chapter, you’ll see the holes where the worm has chewed through.

It’s funny how I sometimes think of myself. I have never told anyone this but sometimes I think I’m quite top shit. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with me. Never have a felt so foolish before. I am nothing. Nobody notices my existence. I come in handy when everyone has love problems which need sorting. I absorb every word they say and remark on each case as if it were mine. I can say ’m good at that. It looks like a trait. But if you think past that, I am only skilled at it because I have no life of my own. I live other people’s lives and I have been for a long time.

My “friends” after reading this may come up to me and say, ‘hey! We don’t think of you like this! You’re really nice/pretty/whatever blahblahblah’ but I know that they are only saying that because they feel it their duty to.

When James Kenta Mackay passed away recently, the first thing I felt when I heard was that why wasn’t it me? Kenta had a life to live, friends to love and to be loved and he had goals to achieve. What do I have? I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. I don’t have aspirations. I don’t have talent. I don’t have anything to live for. What is the point for my survival?

I am really sorry for my parents. I am the worst child a parent could hope for. I will amount to nothing. If I died, I would be glad anyone even turns up to my funeral. I have never created or achieved something in my life I can be proud of. I have never gotten first in the grade. I have never painted a beautiful picture. I have never loved.

But I don’t blame anyone. Who could love me?

I have decided that once and for all I am going to step up my game. Look forward to meeting me in 2008 because I WILL change. I promise you I will change. I am going to untangle any loose ends in my relationships, tie them up and if I am to get together with someone then it will definitely be before Valentines Day 08. After the 15^th I am going to completely forget about guys and focus on my studies and how to be a better person. I am going to confirm my friendships and only allow the closest in my life. Year 11 is not a year for me to waste time on bitches that are worse than me and have nothing to do than pick out of my already holey life.

I will get a job and work hard and save hard. I am going to save up for a nice treat at the end of the year. Next year I will be a whole new person. Next year I vow to come first in the class for one of my subjects. I am going to study and be a geek despite what people may say. Who cares about me anyway? Exactly.

So here is to the new Angela Lee. She will be born again. Better keep a watchful eye out cos 2008, here I come.

its that time of the year again ;; and this girl here has aged for the 16th time of her life

its that time of the year again ;; and once again im in LUST

its that time of the year again ;; and im battling//weighing//gaining//losing relationships - all at once

its that time of the year again ;; and everything has become extremely festive , commercialized , sparkly

its that time of the year again ;; and i feel lonely again

its that time of the year again ;; and i cant wait to be that much nearer to what i want

and its that time of the year again ;; yes , its time for shoutouts

-----------------------------------

The 16th Golden Globe Awards 2007 - This Is MY Life

welcome to another year of faboulos productions, masterpieces and memories which will go down in history. emotions soar through these pieces some of which come together like first love others may combat like great warriors. but all in all, in the end its all part of this world, my world.

so without further ado i bring to you, your nominees for this year.

first up . NSGs

my "group" . 1) rebecca.cui . we've gone through another year and our relationship has remained quite steady. we've had our TIGHT times and times where we fallout but thankfully those times are short lived. despite what you think , you are one of my most loved in the group and i wish you all the best in year 11 2008 (:

                  2) linda.shen . you . are . whole . dont understand the meaning of that ? well simply according to my dictionary, i define you as one of the most beautiful people. you are smart and understanding ;; cute and cuddly ;; yet at the same time you can be slutty but very pretty (: you and your crazy self is what i love most about you and i hope we continue our longlived 4 year friendship <3 i love you shen !

                  3) yaein.kim . well yae we started off this year with a bad chapter. continuous bitching and misunderstanding. but hate is love aye? after a rocky start, it has just brought us closer so im glad in that sense. i can never thank you enough for being there when im down and listening to me talk about the same things over and over and over and over again. THANKYOU SO MUCH YAE ! im so serious i love you so much and i dearly respect and treasure what we have. thankyou again and hope u have fun in 2008 !

                  4) rose.zhang . funtimes in maths . funtimes in science . funtimes in english . we've been together in almost every class this year and man have we gone crazy sometimes. i remember very clearly when you walked in the first day with BRIGHT red hair (: you make my days sometimes with what you do / say in class, with your typical asian food, with your very sharp laughter. sometimes you make me feel unhappy with what you say, how you act. but the good definitely outweighs the bad. happy times with eric babe <3 love you lotssssss

                  5) yineng.liu . 'you're way too beautiful girl ~' and thats exactly what you are. smart. talented. and gorgeous. you have a very bubbly personality and determined to finish what you start. wish you and kevin the very very best and lots of love in 2008 !

                  6) vivian.luo . vivianluo.luo.luobee. haha what can i say. you of all people have changed the least personality-wise. you have a beautiful soul and so fun to be with. COMPLETELY psycho but thats what people love about you (: i for one, felt that i had lots of fun times with you ! have a GREAT 2008, otherhalf !

                  7) sarah.koo . it was almost gonna be all good this year. but hey, we cant always get what we ask for (: doesnt matter, we have all of next year and the next to make things all good again and i really hope you give me that opportunity to. you are very understanding and i just want to say one thing to you, something very important.

"you have to be DECISIVE . and think for youself"

have a merry christmas and happy 2008 !

                  8) sooji.kim . well i can certainly say our friendship has gone downhill a bit since last year. but that doesnt mean i dont and didnt enjoy what we had/have experienced together. you are a really fun person to be around when you're happy and veryvery stylish. hope to get on better terms with you in 2008 (:

                  9) jessica.leung . leung you came to the group just recently but our friendship had begun long before then. from concert to concert you have grown and matured. constantly changing. but never inside. you are still the same jessica i met in year 8 and hope you continue to be (: have a lovely time in hongkong and happy new year !

my closest . 1) yvonne.lui . BABES! you yes YOU are one of the BIGGEST playing characters in my life. NO JOKES. we share everything. well i do anyway and i hope know that we will continue to be extremely good friends for the rest of eternity. lol yes im cheesy and you love that. i will never forget the times we've shared whether it be jigging, tutoring or just days out and about. have a REAAAAALLY good time in taiwan love, and i shall see you in 2008 ! MUAH

                  2) vivian.tham . haha you're probably so sick of me by now. constantly whining about weight, boys, lamble. but i enjoyed your presence at least (: probably the best part about you is that being around you is so easy and carefree. and becos you are so asian haha. well have a great christmas hun and happy new year !

                  3) yvonne.young . wai von you fob ! towards the end of this year we got so much closer and im so glad we did ^^ its has been great getting to know you better and i never get sick of talking endlessly on the phone with you. being with you makes me happy already and when you are ultra sorpor i just cant stop laughing. you understand SO much about life, everytime i talk to you i discover something new to put in my library (: i will see you soon !

                  4) catherine.lam . you are so cute when you sleep. so cute when you talk. so cute when you eat. just completely and wholly cute. you are never hard to talk to and commerce just would not be the same without you. just continue to be you because you are a classic. even if we drift away in the future i will never forget you. but we wont (: party through life and 2008 should be a breeze . kisskiss =p

                  5) jenny.lee . beautiful (: deemed the prettiest girl in the grade definitely lives to the standard of being nice both in and out. to describe you in one word would be so hard becos one word would never be enough to describe someone like you. you are everything most girls would want and everything all guys want ;] it was great healing our relationship this year and i hope our friendship remains intact ! love muchly and love always <3

                  6) amy.wang . i love this girl. you are completely mad ! i have enjoyed so many conversations with you about your longggg list of SBs and NSBs and allllllll them other guyss. you are a socialfreak and everyone just loves your personality. and guess what? me too <3 so i hope to hear more about michael sin and ham and everybody else in your life cos friends for life hunn (: merry 2008

                  7) jessica.fung . only one thing . enjoy 2008 being fung/tung !

jokes. you and your boyfriend are so cute. but not nearly as cute as me and you ! hahaha it has been yet again a great year for us, and hope our relationship continues blooms as much as richard and yours ! love you lots shorty xx

next up . the new-found-friends

                  1) becky.chan

                  2) michael.zhang

                  3) matt.gale

                  4) jeffwin

                  5) jono.tham

                  6) katt

                  7) geoff

                  8) marxy

although new, friends like you guys are definitely worth staking out on. it may only be short exchanges of greetings and farewells for now but hopefully it wont be for long. i hope that im investing in the right friendships and that i'll gain full and and enjoyable profit of good times in return. a toast for the future (:

and . moments shared with

                  1) george.chen . well our moment was definitely there. shortlived but still existant. when with you, it brought out a whole new aspect of myself and one which i enjoy now. ive become more outgoing and all thanks to you. enjoy 2008 and hope to keep in touch (: happy 19th again

                  2) cjon.ying . its good how we went. from dirty dancing with a stranger to good friends then boyfriend and now back to friends again. when im 18 we can come full circle and you can take me dancing again haha. you have brought to me experiences new and old and we have shared memorable moments together both fun and times which were not-so-fun. but overall i think it was a good thing we had and we have learnt and matured from our mistakes. have great times in 2008 and best of luck with hellen !!  

then . reconnecting with the old

                  1) gigi.wong

                  2) maggie.yu

                  3) serena.loke

                  4) jeffery.tse

                  5) darren.seonario

to all of you : its has just been absolutely fabulous to finally catch up/reunite with you guys this year. especially gigi which i have not seen since year 2 ! but yeah everyone else it was soooooooo good to just simply see you guys again and hope to keep in touch ! have an exciting 2008 guys (:

finally . THE TIGHTEST

                  0) felicity.wilson . do i even need to say anything?!?! you read me so well, sometimes even better than myself. i cant imagine what life would be without you supporting me. i cant imagine what i would do without your opinions on everything. and i cant imagine how i would cope without knowing that you've always got my back. cos you got mine and i love you muchly. our friendship is everlasting despite hardly seeing each other ;; we always catch up from where we left off last. its been a hard time for you lately and get better soon okay? have a reaaly nice holiday and forget everything in this year and start afresh for 2008. enjoy india as you would hongkong babe. merry christmas <3

-----------------------------------

walking once more down the hall of fame, looking back at the memories which hang glistening on the wall, another year has past and i have learnt many things off all these people who have been exceptional golden globe actors in my award winning year of 2007. i thank them all for letting me be a part of their their busy lives. i look forward to work with these stars again next year for a bigger and better production.

Its what I want.

But I hate having to fight for it.

I will though.

I’ll put up a damn good fight too.

It’ll be Cold.

             Painful

                  Tiring

                       Stressful

I’ll really have to commit.

But its all worth it.

I know it will be.

--------------------

I am really unsatisfied with life at the moment.

I don’t get to see the people who mean most to me, nearly as much as I want to. Some I hardly ever see nowadays.

………… flic, gigi, mags ………

I feel gross about myself.

Im flabby,, I look like im 3 months pregnant

                Screw you gut, go to hell cellulite, fuck off jelly

--------------------

Life is OVERRATED

Majorly.

We should all become emo myspace-ers and kill ourselves.

There is nothing to do these days .

ZILCH

ZIP

ZERO

And yes I mean that. Apart from going to school,, theres not much I do.

Maybe that js me.

Eitherway, I hate it.

Now I sound like a hater.

I am I guess ..

But I do love things (:

I love rain

I love tiramisu

I love coffee

I love delicious yet healthy food

I love Korean food

I love to sing my heart out at K

I love to spend time with my friends, just one on one.

I love D&Ms

I love nice brands

I love boys who play bball

I love boys who are tall, mysterious and azn

I love boys who look like they jumped out of a catwalk. Modeling levis. With SEXY hips (:

I love boys who wear BAPE, AF1s, low jeans. Js good style in general

I love boys who has a brain which functions. Smart please

I love to be skinny. Unfortunately im stuck looking like an obese pregnant hippo. Im sorry

I love travel

I love evee

I love to be loved

I love to feel good about something ive accomplished

I love planes

I love crossiants

I love ZHOU XUN

Most importantly

I love my family. I do. Even if I don’t realize it most of the time. But I do. =]

There are more. Im js too lazy to write it.. meant to be doing PDHPE assignment. Its 3.02am and I haven’t started. Kinda fucked yeah?

Lol srsly I should js die rite now.

...

Xx angela